Disappeared for a while, thought it was best. Came back and now I’m home, where I feel safe.. well sort of. Trust? I don’t even trust myself. As much as my home is where I want to be, it has its demons.. its doubts. I’ll always sleep with one eye open; one eye open to watch my surroundings so I don’t miss a beat. There are two many fish and just one hook. Too many birds.. just too many. Nothing like me, not cold like me. Too warm, too friendly. Not like me.
I can’t even explain how far I am from home. I was outside, but now I’m on another planet, universe, a black hole. I played with fire, twice, no.. three times. But now there’s more than one, there’s four, including my home. How can this be? No guilt? No regret? No nothing. I just want more. Am I selfish? No, not me. I just want everything. I want to taste different… things. I want to feel different… exteriors. I don’t need the attention; I don’t want it. Is it revenge? A hidden grudge deep in the back of my mind? My home betrayed me once before. A betrayal I can never forget. My home will never know, well at least for now. The fire just keeps getting bigger. I might as well drench myself in kerosene. I don’t see myself stopping. I’m too lost; too far from home,
and I don’t care.
I gave in. I wandered outside again. This time it was far from home. I fell into a spiral, a rabbit hole. Someplace I’ve never been before. I can’t say that I liked it, but I can’t say that I hated it either. It was different. I was expecting better. As usual my expectations were too high. My home is better, wider, longer and stronger. Everything I enjoy and everything I love. But something still lurks in the back of my mind. I’ve had you, and now I don’t know if I want you anymore. But maybe I do. Just another notch. That old belt. I’m not satisfied but I don’t think that I’ll ever be. All I can say is that I was there, I got what I wanted and I don’t know if I’ll want it again. I’m stuck somewhere between my home and the outside. Somewhere in limbo. Not sure of where I’ll end up.
Vintage Hugh Hefner and Playboy Bunnies, Circa 1960